My partner is a serial cheater. From the very beginning our relationship has been built on mis-truths and charades. During the past seven years of our “relationship” I have caught him in many forms of betrayal. Always he has pulled me back in. Mostly out of his ability to make other people feel responsible for him. He is a master manipulator and his tender vulnerable side is never spared when it comes to winning the game. All of the warning signs were there. I chose to ignore them. No, I didn’t ignore them, they were present in my mind every day. I chose to rationalize them. To tell myself that here was a broken person who truly wanted to be loved, had never been shown real love and that if I was enough, I could save him. And maybe in return, I could save myself.
It was that insane decision that led to the battle that storms inside of me now. Soul 1, the part of me I long for, and constantly fear slipping away from me, is now in full rebellion. She growls deep in her throat, she rattles and shakes the bars of this cage she has found herself in, She stands back, breaths deep and rams her shoulder against the bars again and again as she screams. “You MF’er!!!! LET ME OUT!!! HOW DARE YOU! How dare you CAGE me, How DARE you make her doubt me or who she is. You F’ing selfish bastard. You hurtful monster! You narcissistic SOB! THIS IS WHO I AM!!!! I am strong. I am willful. I am full of life. I will not stay in this cage. I will not be prisoner to your games and your lies. I will NOT LET YOU make me become that shameful pitiful little girl!!!!”
But that is exactly who I have let myself become. My partners constant indiscretions; his need for thrill and conquest; his own self pitiful need for validation, has caused that part of me to rise to the surface. The part of me that fears discovery. The things I hide from most. Being hurt. Being used. Being discarded and taken for granted. Being lied to. NOT BEING ENOUGH for that white night to want me. I look in the mirror and I question everything about myself. I play his blame game words over and over in my head. I wasn’t enough. I didn’t do enough. I didn’t serve enough. I wasn’t appealing enough, or exciting enough for him to forsake all others the way I had for him. I fume over that. He is weak and flawed in countless ways and yet I forsake others. He couldn’t do the same? I have allowed him to bring out all the worst things in me. Allowed him to make me responsible for him and then accuse me of being controlling. To encourage him and be made into a nag. To protect my heart more with each new affair or on line escapade and then be told I was distant, didn’t show enough love and devotion. Didn’t make him feel good about himself anymore. Allowed him and all the many demands on my life to take my focus away from taking care of myself and then listened to him tell me that I didn’t meet his requirements, I had put on weight. And after all love does not tolerate 12 pound weight gains, right? I rebel against these things. I reject them and yet I look in the mirror and I see myself through the picture he’s tried to paint of me. Real or not real. Everything I know myself to be. To really be, feels lost to me. Replaced by his warped views of who I am. In the end, it all boils down to this….I wasn’t enough for him. And the part of me that is the weak and shamed little girl keeps pacing around my mind saying, I told you so, I told you so. You aren’t enough. Love is conditional and you aren’t enough. No white night is ever coming after you. You should have listened to me! You weren’t careful. I told you….. you didn’t listen.
And the rebel part of me still thrashes, still screams, still shakes the cage. I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS! I DESERVE BETTER. I AM NOT WEAK and I AM NOT SHAMEFUL. I’M REAL damn it! A real woman. In all her glory with all her facets. I may not be perfect but by god I am one hell of package. And screw the assholes who don’t have the depth and capacity to see that. LET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And while the battle ensues…. Who shows up? Dominate personality. Ms in control herself. Ms pull yourself together! Ms now now girls, suck it up. Show a good face! This will not do at all. This is not how a perfectly together woman acts. Battling her inner self. This is messy. We don’t do messy. We do together. Let’s just hope that no one has noticed. Here’s a healthy dose of numbness to calm you down. Now get your ass out there and present a good example! Get on with it. Get on with your life!