I had been in a semi-relationship with an old dear friend that goes back more than 30 years. My comfortable shoe. A person who knows me deeply. Yes all three personalities of me (refer to earlier chapters to understand that comment) and he loves me beyond measure. It was long distance. It wasn’t really like dating. It’s more like knowing your best friend is a phone call away. It’s like having a rock to lean on when you need it. But it’s not intended to be anything else. It feels good. Really really good. But there are no real illusions that it’s supposed to be more.
One evening while searching the net an advertisement for e-harmony pops up. Hmmmm. Flash imagination, cue the music, cue small fantasy voice, “wouldn’t it be nice to find your white knight?” After all, it’s e-harmony, all those happily ever after endings….
As quickly as the desire hits me, Ms rational steps in. Absolutely not! Bad timing. Wishful thinking. We don’t do wishful. Too early. Too impractical. In pipes lil Ms scaredy cat… And WAY TOO dangerous. No, no, no we are not going down that messy road again. However, it was too late. The rebellious gregarious adventurous part of me has already spotted the personality test. What the hell could it hurt?! So…I proceeded with the test. I receive my feedback results via email. I’m struck by the accuracy of it. Quite impressed actually. I send it off to my old dear friend for his input. Later I find out that was an act that hurt him. But, it would be a long time before I knew that. And that’s that. I neatly store it away in the back of my head.
Meanwhile I went back to my everyday life. I was due to have surgery in a couple of weeks, and had a lot of things going at one time. My focus was anywhere but on e-harmony. Then, one day after surgery, while recovering at home, I set down and find I have an inbox full of potential match alerts. Including a few emails notifications from users. Long story short, curiosity killed this cat.
One email seemed to speak to me, I had to register for the site to respond to him, so after a couple of days of thought and my typical inner deliberation adventurous me wins out again and I registered to responded to his email. The act of doing so forged the path I am on.
Have you ever wondered if a single act was actually fate or if that single act may have been the one specific error you made that steered you far, far away from your original destination? Just like that in the blink of an eye, had I made a seriously wrong decision? And has it changed me completely? So many times through the pain of all this, I have asked myself, what did I create here? Is this some lesson I have to learn, something I have to overcome, a destination just beyond the horizon that we will reach together or was it all a big mistake that I can never take back, my true destination a boat I missed when I bought the wrong ticket? Can you ever go back? No, what is done is done.
Obviously I’m a detailed person. I’m wordy. Maybe too wordy. Especially when I let my inner thoughts just flow without censorship. To write our story chapter by chapter would be a novel. I’m not here to write a novel and if anyone ever reads this, I suspect they’re not here for a novel either. So in the coming chapters I’ll try to condense the story of our relationship to the point we have reached now. Our journey to the alien landscape of infidelity…