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Today was a trigger day for me. Unexpectedly. Monday night I had problems. Yesterday was difficult, blogging some more of our story. Today I was fine. Reading in the book Happy Together. Reading some very interesting and helpful things I was looking forward to sharing with my mate. Productive at work, just overall feeling good.
And then I snagged a nail. Yes, that’s it. A nail. That simple. That quick. I’m here to describe how easily a trigger can ambush you.
In recent months during intimacy I inadvertently scratched my partners back. And he liked it. I jokingly told him that he had been withholding his savage desires from me. He responded more or less that it was an accidental discovery. All was well.
There I sat filing my chipped nail when that thought crossed my mind. I smiled. And then it hit me. Clear as day, a memory from early last summer. It was one of the valleys in our many highs and lows. He would show up at the house and head directly to the back yard to engross himself in his plants. Wouldn’t come in to say Hi baby, I’m here. Give me a kiss. Nothing. Eventually I would find his truck in the driveway and go outside to say hi. He raised his head and said “hey”. Pretty romantic. I use to joke with friends that he had a new lover by the name of (insert plant name here.) Family would joke that it was clear where I stood when it came to his garden. So there he is working away, he’s taken his shirt off and is sweaty. As he turns I see the marks on his back. They look like fingernail marks and my heart sinks. My stomach knots. I don’t say anything. I can’t bring myself to say anything. They don’t look fresh. Finally a few hours later I casually question them and he says that he must have gotten them in one of the bushes. I let it go.
Today it came back. 6 months after discovery, out of no where the memory clear as day. Only now it isn’t just an uncomfortable memory of questioning whether he was once again spreading his “seed”. In the light of what we are going through it was the sick realization, the stark reminder of all he has done. It un-nerved me. Made me sick to my stomach. I could have so easily cried, but I was at work and that wouldn’t do. Besides anyone who knows me knows I do most of my crying safely locked behind the bathroom door. Ms got it together doesn’t allow for weakness in public. But it hurt. It hurt like hell and all I could do was push it back, hold it down and wait for it to pass. If you are dealing with the infidelity of a partner I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. Anything can open the portal to memories or emotions that trigger a sudden chaotic panic that flips your stomach and makes your head spin. There is no way to guard against this and no warning when they will hit. This is the life we live right now. There is light at the end of the tunnel but for now, the stretch of tube we are in feels endless and it FREAKING SUCKS! Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re just dwelling in the past. Looking for reasons to not let it go. BULLSHIT! We don’t ask for this. We don’t set around thinking this shit up. IT finds US!