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Yesterday was a little exhausting. It was doctor day for my child with special needs. Dr days are always a challenge. I have to give a sedative an hour before we leave or we will have no hope of making it through the visit without a lot of traumatic events which often times end with me leaving covered in vomit and scratches. We managed ok today. We didn’t manage to get the blood drawn that we need for several tests but we did accomplish the physical and 5 immunizations. Thank God for a doctor with a lot of patience and a willingness to get creative. Now we wait for the next medical appointment to see about ear tubes and tonsils and will probably have to wait to draw blood again until we can use anesthesia.

As my partner left for the day, to drive back to his city and his job I asked if he would be returning yesterday evening since he took his bag with him. I don’t usually ask this. In fact I need a lot of time on my own while sorting this out. But he will be traveling next week and that will keep him away three nights he might otherwise be here. I thought he may want the choice of coming “home’ yesterday. Though we live in two cities he prefers to think of this as home. Anyway, I was trying to offer something, extend myself after a somewhat difficult weekend. He acted odd. Not exactly suspicious but just odd. Obviously he had not expected me to ask and the location of his current project would make it a long drive back, etc. He hem hawed around a bit and said I’ll let you know when I find out what the job entails. Now normally this wouldn’t bother me, in fact I might have felt some relief to have some more time to myself for sorting things out. But today I guess I felt vulnerable or something. I don’t know. But his reaction bothered me. I later sent a text and said to stay there tonight as it would save him the long drive and make his morning conference call easier. He called me to basically agree and give me a list of reasons that would work best. Maybe he was trying to reassure me with his schedule and letting me know exactly where he would be. To me it felt like old memories. Lists of excuses for why he would be late or not showing up or maybe even not calling. I told myself that kind of thinking was not productive but it still nagged at me, still triggered all the lies from the past.

Later, around 8PM he called. He had finished his last sales call. He started talking immediately about his leads that day, the ones that came through and didn’t come through, and one that turned out much better than expected and I told him that was great. Because it IS great. He kept talking… And kept talking. Ahhhh, here we go, another trigger from the past. He’s been trying very hard to not act out his narcissistic tendencies these past few months. To be aware of others etc. But tonight it was the old familiar him. Going on and on about himself, then jumping from topic to topic with no sense of reason. And not once did he ask about how my day went, or more specifically, how the Dr appointment went. He was aware we had it, I had even mentioned it that morning, saying that it was something I was dreading. Something about this all hit me the wrong way and I started to feel the old sense of frustration, the stirring of anger inside of me, and a little bit of hurt that everything else was more important to him in the moment. I also began to have those damned nagging thoughts about “what is he really doing?” Where has he really been? The reason I think this was triggered is that when he is deceitful he is also very fragmented. He rambles on, talks fast, jumps topics, act oblivious to others. Added to this is that one of the past OW has a habit of posting “odd” little statements with smiley faces on her Facebook. She makes a habit out of daily liking things that would easily relate to him. The company he works for, for example. Nascar drivers he likes, etc. As though she is putting out little flags hoping he is looking for them. He swears there is no contact and he told her it is over. I’d like to believe him but his word isn’t something I have faith in yet, though I am working on it. I also have no idea if she knows about me are not. Is she taunting me in a way she can also claim is purely coincidence or is she clueless that I know who she is and that I monitor her activity? When there is no activity on her Facebook and he is not with me, it is very unsettling for me. I’m not saying he was doing anything wrong yesterday. I’m saying that todays circumstances bring back vivid memories and feelings from the past and it’s hard. It’s emotional and really draining. And it still makes me angry.

I know of course, that I could have just spoke up and told him how my day was or how our appointment went,sharing all the good and bad. I could have opened up but the unfolding of things on this day seemed to just shut me down more by the minute and I held back….. like some defiant child who refuses to speak after her parents have hurt her feelings. He could have asked. It would have been nice. But he didn’t, so I should have been a grown up and just told him how the day was, asked for my turn to talk a while. But there I was, here I am, holding back. WHY DO I DO THAT?!