about men, about women, Adultry, affairs, cheating, Commentary, dating, infidelity, inner lives of women, life, love, marriage, philosophy, psychology of relationships, recovering from an affair, relationships, sexuality, what do women think
First, let me ramble off a few disclaimers for this post. If you’ve betrayed your spouse or partner you might interpret this letter as an angry rant that is cleverly disguised as a blog post. And your point would be what?? lol,I’m only kidding.
Seriously, I promise. I understand some of my posts have dealt with anger but this one truly is an attempt at clarifying some mistruths and assumptions. Some of the bluntness may be taken as anger but that is not my intention. What I’m really doing is exploring sexuality and it’s relationship to affairs. The letter is written to men, because when it comes to talking about sexuality, well I can only speak from the female point of view. While some of it may also apply to women who have chosen to betray their men, it will obviously not be applicable as a whole. Although, women who have betrayed their partner might consider whether anything I’ve written may have been in reverse, at least partially, motivating factors for why they pursued or succumbed to having an affair. Specifically the aspect that mental fantasy/mindset is really what it’s about. Not the man.
Also, there is no set definition of women’s sexuality, preferences, beliefs etc. So I can only write in generalities. I can write from my own experience, experience of women I know and information I have encountered in my countless hours of researching human nature and most recently affairs and their effects on relationships. Specifically on women. But in no way do I intend to neatly define all women. Not all women will agree with the things I write here, but I believe “most’ will relate to it in varying degrees.
Dear Straying Man,
So, you’ve made the conscious decision to set aside commitment and pursue your own individual desires. Relax, I’m not here to prosecute, I’m here to share information that you might need. You don’t need to explain to me your reasoning. I’ve already encountered a long list of reasons, influences, and motivating factors for making such a choice. No two affair decisions are exactly the same, but most have more similarities than differences. Including the ability to create mental justifications for what has or is about to occur. Those justifications are usually focused heavily on your partner and the ways you believe they are failing you. Letting you down. Completely ignoring or trampling on your needs. Am I right?
I’m not going to get into the millions of ways someone can distort reality for their own purposes, and I’m even going to go so far as to say that you are correct. You partner has not been perfect! None of us have been. I don’t want to debate here whether individual flaws and shortcomings justify infidelity or whether alternative solutions should be pursued. Let’s instead address one of the most common failings cheating partners focus in on to help shore up their rationalizations. Lack of sexual fulfillment.
Whether it be the quality or frequency of sex or the need to feel that you are attractive, desired and skilled in the art of lovemaking. Something is lacking in the “fulfillment category” and you.. feeling frustrated, rejected and/or neglected, at some point arrive at the entitlement station, bags in hand, ready to purchase your one way ticket to satisfaction. Can’t afford first class? No worries, any ticket leaving the station is sure to deliver you to a destination that will saturate you with the happiness and validation you deserve. It makes no difference how the destination compares to where you already live. In other words, the affair partner and the affair situation do not need to measure up to or exceed your current partner and life. It only needs to transport you to something you believe you need and are entitled to.
Does that sound like sarcasm? It’s not intended to. It’s just a fact. Though it’s extremely hard to recognize it when you are standing at the station. The affair fog has already started to creep in….the brain has already started firing off chemicals that scream Oh YES! Oh YES!! WHAT….. A…… RUSH!!!!!!
Living in the fog
I’ve read a lot of testimonials by men who say that sex was not the reason they cheated. I believe that they believe that. But I also believe that even if it was not a primary motivator it immediately becomes the primary sustainer. Which only serves to confirm my belief that whether the sex in your relationship is very good or in contrast very bad, sex or the suggestion of intimacy outside of the commitment still becomes a motivating addiction. Yes, there are emotional affairs that never make it to sexual relations and they are unique in and of themselves. But they are still based on fantasy and they are still often facilitated by the lack of sexual satisfaction at home which is often translated in your mind to lack of love, lack of respect, etc. Emotional needs that a fantasy affair then helps to fill. Even emotional affairs are in some lateral sense affected by our sexuality. But, I’m writing now to you who have chosen to have sexual relations outside of your committed relationship.
Most people experiencing affair recovery have heard of the affair fog. The altered state of mind that takes over when you partake in physical and emotional intimacy outside of your commitments. One of the key indicators of affair fog is the inability to discern reality from fantasy. In this fantasy state you are able to convince yourself that the affair partner is rocking your world in ways your partner never could, never would. Never WILL. Even if you care too much about your mate or family to leave them, and would never want them to know what you have done or are doing, you are still able to convince yourself quite soundly that the sexual satisfaction you think that you are both getting AND giving in return is WAY, WAY WORTH IT! And that is my focus here in this letter to you. You might be surprised to learn that what you THINK you know might not be completely accurate. In simple terms I’m here to tell you MR., that you don’t know ….what you don’t know!
Who am I to tell you?
What, you ask, is it that you supposedly don’t know and I do? Well, I know a little about women’s sexuality. What many of us need and what we crave. How we feel about those needs when they’re not met, how the female brain engages or disengages, and why intimacy in a new relationship can be very misleading to you and to us. I know. I know. I have no idea how great of time you’re having and how good it’s been for you.
Set down, take a deep breath. It’s time for a reality check. It may appear to you that you’re giving mind blowing satisfaction to your affair partner , further vindicating your affair and validating all those needs to feel desired, and hey perhaps you truly are rare and gifted in the arena of lovemaking. But the reality is that you’re just as likely barely mediocre for your AP after the excitement of a new experience is removed from the equation.
Think about it. If you blame your wife or partner for not being responsive enough you might want to take note; the odds are very low that you are suddenly out rocking an AP’s world with your sexual prowess. The more logical explanation is that your AP is rocking her own world on new relationship adrenaline and/or affair fog fantasy. Something that unfortunately has very little to do with you.
I’m sorry to sound harsh. But that is reality. On the bright side, you are getting laid. However, what seems unquenchably hot for the moment, is not going to last. If you are entertaining the notion that your affair partner must be everything you wish your spouse or partner would be, you’re living in an alternate reality. Odds are that if you sustain the affair long enough for the fog to lift and the reality to set in, your sexual prowess is not going to measure up as highly as you might think it is. Because it is void of the elements a woman really needs to sustain and express her passion.
You see it’s also possible that what you think you know about your wife or partners sexuality is completely wrong. Perhaps it’s something you’ve never explored before. It might be that you’ve arrived at the wrong conclusion without learning how a woman works. Perhaps you’ve blamed her for never having it or for losing her sexuality along the way. Something that has left you feeling angry and cheated and disappointed. Perhaps you assume you already know everything about what your partner needs or how to please them and have decided that it’s just no use! Perhaps you’ve already had a series of relationships in which the woman starts out hot and eager but eventually turns unresponsive or appears a lot less interested than she use to be. It’s easier for you to assume that’s just how women are than to question whether or not the common theme is your lack of awareness. Maybe even easier to chase the thrill of the hunt and the rush of adrenaline in a series of short term relationships you can discard when they fizzle. Because then, you can confirm for yourself that women are the way they are and it has nothing to do with you. After all, look at all the worlds you have rocked over the years! Those women certainly weren’t complaining at the time right?
What some men end up rationalizing as women being un-interested in sex or not willing to participate is often not a lack of interest or willingness. Women are exotic, sensual creatures by nature. It’s a bit foolish to believe that because we’re not driven by our genitals that we don’t crave and experience deep erotic pleasure. It’s true, some women don’t fully enjoy intimacy. Sometimes they’ve been abused and not found healing, other times they are physically wired with lower desire for sex. But the stereotype that women don’t desire intimacy as much as men or that we become frigid soon after the honeymoon, is simple false. It’s an uneducated assumption that many embrace as fact because they “claim” their partner is living proof. That no matter how hard they try their women just don’t want it.
But guess what? Most women do desire it. FAR more do, than don’t. Perhaps your wife is one of them. But while most desire it, not everyone is experiencing it. Perhaps your wife is one of those who is not experiencing it. The question that begs is, why?
The answer to that is too long for this letter and will have to become the subject of a future post exploring the female mind, body and spirit connection. But for now, let me just say that assuming your partner or spouse is the sole cause of your lack of satisfaction is unfair and a dangerously one sided view. It may be that you simply don’t understand what women need in a long term relationship. Believing that your affair partner/s are “different” than your life partner and that you obviously blow their minds, is both naïve and misguided. Delusional effects of the fog. Not reality.
The reality is, that affair partner will likely one day need the very same things your spouse or partner now needs but isn’t getting from you, to sustain passion. The reality is that the new relationship adrenaline is what fuels your new wild cat and camouflages what you don’t know about women. But only for a while.
It’s your choice
Of course you can always continue in a perpetual chain of affairs, boasting in your mind what you perceive as fully satisfied women, telling yourself that this is the life! The hunt, the conquest, the boost of the one and done or short lived affairs. You could convince yourself that you’ve always known what you know, that women simply lose their sexuality with time or that a new woman is better, hotter, more sensual than the woman who currently commits herself to you.
If that’s what you choose and that’s what you are made of, well OK. But please don’t justify all of that by taking away the possible reality that the most passionate partner you could ever hope to have, has always been there. She’s the one who carries half the burden of your life, adapts to your quirks, accepts your shortcomings, raises your children, etc. She’s all the real things that your AP is not. And chances are she is just as sexual. Just waiting for you to one day care enough to understand what it takes to fuel the flames of her desire and unleash the inner wild woman we all possess.
Affair sex is an illusion. It isn’t about your desirability or your skill. It isn’t about the AP being more than your partner. The AP is living an entirely different yet similar illusion than you are. You never see her natural state. She works hard to show you the most glamorous sides of herself. She builds you up because she wants you to be the fantasy she searches for. She is living through the adrenaline of a new experience, and she is for the moment oblivious to how well you satisfy or don’t satisfy her needs. She is turned on by the imaginary scenarios she has created in her head about what you are or will be to her. Like you, she’s high on feeling desired. Like you, she’s allowing herself to believe that everything you present yourself to be, is real. It’s the same process that leads so many women to fall into bed and fall into love. In the beginning, they can’t see reality through the fantasy. Often they wake up wondering what the hell they are doing with this person who is so wrong for them. Or they wake up to the reality that all that wild passion they thought they were experiencing was never real. It was a figment of their imagination. A wish they were trying hard to create. That you really know very little about how or where to touch them, how to inspire their hearts or seduce their minds and how to light their fire. They may not realize what is happening but without that fantasy fog to draw from, they will find the passion they thought they felt has gone missing.
You could make a choice at this point to cast the AP aside and find a hotter more satisfying partner to once again re-boost your image and give you the sexual satisfaction you are entitled to, or…… you could consider waking up to your own reality. The reality that you have a partner who is not just a lover but a real partner in life and that it is very possible she has inside of her all the passion you want and need. If only you could care enough to learn how to ignite it and sustain it.
If you are a woman finding this post and you feel I am way off base. By all means, feel free to offer your opinion.
A woman who knows what she knows…