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I’ve spent a lot of time recently thinking about women’s sexuality.    It’s not the first time in my life I’ve given this topic a great deal of attention.   Perhaps no more than recently, when dealing with my partner’s infidelity threw me into a tailspin that caused me to question and examine everything about myself. Especially the sexuality and the sensuality I have held so self-assuredly over the years.

At first I reeled violently from the blow and the damage to my sense of self,  my sense of reality, or my ability to trust either of those senses and/or my instincts.   I still stagger from time to time trying to recover from those blows.   I still question my own confidence when triggers rise up and un-nerve me.  I still find myself looking in the mirror some times and feeling as though I’m looking out at an unrecognizable stranger.    A stranger I don’t quite know what to make of.   But these days questioning who and what I am, as a person and as a woman,  has a lot less to do with my partner and the feelings I had of “not being enough for him” or the humiliating shame that comes with that.   Research, blogs, support networks, and talks with my partner, have allowed me to understand that those feelings are predictable responses to infidelity and the post traumatic shock it induces.

WAIT!! You have the wrong suitcase miss….!

They may be normal feelings but the pain of shattered self worth only adds to the pain of trying to heal and can become an unnecessary weight. It’s baggage we don’t need to carry quite as far down the road as many of us have been.   We’re better served picking up the baggage only long enough to acknowledge the weight of the emotions we feel at the time and then consciously rejecting it, leaving it at the side of the road as we journey forward.   I know, that’s easier said than done but the truth is,  we’re not the primary cause of the betrayal and if we have been placing our entire self image in the hands of another…well then,  we’ve been carrying  the wrong suitcase!  For gods sake…  turn it in to the lost and found department as fast as you can and get your own suitcase back!   LOSE that suitcase and it’s dead weight NOW!   You’ll get on down the road a hell of a lot faster without it.

Betrayers often betray for reasons completely unrelated to their partners.    FACT: The most beautiful, interesting, successful of people, male or female,  are no more immune to being betrayed than anyone else.   So having found my way back to this understanding, why am I still questioning who and what I am as a person and as a woman?

Who’s really been cheating on me?

What I’m realizing is that while those feelings of feeling “less than” were first perceived as a reaction to my partner’s cheating ways, they were a wake up call to me.  I came to realize they weren’t so much about whether I might not be enough for him,  but that perhaps I was not being enough for myself.   More specifically….that I was not being TRUE ENOUGH to myself.   That I had lost my sense of self and replaced it with functioning.   Towing the line.  Meeting other’s needs.  Living up to expectations and responsibilities.   Listening to the messages bombarding us daily.  Being superwoman.  Super giver.  Super SUCKER! lol, just kidding.   I like being a giver.   I truly do.   But still,  I wonder how many of us are in that place of not being true enough to ourselves?   Yes, that includes things like being kind to yourself, taking time for yourself, and all of those niceties.    But what I’m really referring to here is getting back in touch with who we are as individual women,  what we love, what ignites our passions,  where are strengths are,  and with trusting our inner instincts.

A suitcase full of God particles and wild woman beauty 

When the realization hit me that this was triggered by my partners infidelity but not CAUSED by his infidelity, I realized that I was guilty of infidelity myself.    I had forsaken myself.  I was out of touch.  I knew this.   I have known this for years.   But I function well, succeed easily, have a surface perfect life.  You may have or know someone who has one too.  Surface perfect.  So believable.  And thus it was easy to ignore that I was out of touch with the wild woman inside of me.   The one I refer to in earlier blogs, ramming her shoulder against the cage.    Ohhhh the beauty of that beast…the wild haired woman,  with the smoldering eyes,  the marcher to a different drum,  the goddess dancing beneath the moon, the rain, the lightening.   Dancing in the sand, the grass, the sea.   The walking contradiction of tender strength, compassionate warrior, and sacred yet sinful desire.   The wild woman. 

Shhhhh………. Stop talking…..  Stop performing….  Pay attention…..     Every woman has a wild woman inside.   Why not learn to hear her and feel her?   Don’t abandon her now.  Now more than ever the message is clear.  Now while the wounds are open and still ache…  Don’t be caught in the pain of feeling that you have not been enough woman for your partner.   For the moment just try to accept these simple words.   SCREW your partner!  Worry about you.  What he did was wrong.   What he did comes out of his own issues or weakness.  There are many things to work through in affair recovery, but don’t let your self esteem become one of them.    Be anything and everything you want to be and learn to love the wildness of your soul.

Wildness can be good.   Life is not always about constraint and conformity and requirement.   Wildness and morality can exist hand and hand. Wildness and respectability can dwell in the same soul.  Wildness isn’t about going bat shit crazy.   Wildness is about embracing the natural raw goddess inside of you.   All of her energy, her strength, her passion and desire.    It’s about loving the god particles inside of you.   Yes, I said god.  Not good particles…   GOD particles.   I use the term not strictly religiously but  as a way to define the ultimate power and balance and beauty of the universe.   The larger than us particles of GOD.

Empty that suitcase of shame and insecurity and low self worth.  Exchange those feelings of not being enough for him for what is essential to you now…..BE….ENOUGH….FOR YOURSELF!  

Picking the lock 

I haven’t freed my wild woman in 27 years.   That’s a pretty specific number.   I know when I caged her.   It wasn’t intentional.  It was only going to be temporary.   It’s been too damned long! Somehow I lost the key and have been sadly watching her from the other side of the bars she rages against ever since.    Sometimes, a lot of times,  I look away.   Perhaps she’s too dangerous,  too wild, too unpredictable to let out anyway, I rationalize with myself.   Right?

But I’ve always known she was still there.  These days I’m working at learning who she is once more.   I’ve ceased looking for the key I’ve lost or waiting for the proper moment to release her and now instead I stand by her cage, meet her wild gaze head on and rattle the bars with her,  until I can find a way to pick that lock and become her myself again….