I’ve been wrestling with where to start the topics of sensuality and sexuality as they relate to women. Especially this woman. For me they’re wrapped together and while they’re different parts of me they’re also closely related and can be difficult to separate. Once I get them separated there are still so many levels to look at within each one. I’m quickly beginning to understand why there are hundreds of self help and exploratory books on sexuality for both men and women and yet…. it still remains loosely defined and often, still misunderstood or misinterpreted.
Both sensuality and sexuality are instinctual, can be unpredictable and are highly personal. There are aspects of sexuality that apply to
- all or most women,
- all or most men,
- equally to men and women
- or specifically to individual nature and preference, whether male or female
There is a distinct difference in the wiring of men and women and yet it seems that these differences can’t be applied to all men and women. There will always be exceptions to the rule.
Compelled to look
There’s really nothing I can write that hasn’t been explored before and yet I still feel the need to discuss the vast elements of sensuality and sexuality. I feel compelled to explore it because sensuality and passion are two things I’ve lost touch with over the years and as a result my sexuality has suffered. It’s not that I don’t have sex, or can’t enjoy sex. It’s that I’m not experiencing it in the ways I want to or the ways I’ve experienced in the past. It’s pleasant enough, mostly, but not always fulfilling. Meaning more times than not it doesn’t fill my senses, recharge my spirit, remove any barriers, or so forth.
If my focus is reclaiming myself and getting back in touch with what womanhood means to me then this has to be explored. If I could only decide where to begin! I also believe that I’m not alone in this loss of my natural essence or force. Men’s and women’s roles have been evolving for years but not without some fall out and confusion. I’m 100% behind equal rights and respect for both sexes but I’m also aware that over time the women’s movement has also caused damage to both men and women. It’s produced great advancements but at the same time has failed to create respect and harmony and failed to help define and honor the differences between the sexes in the quest to achieve equality across the board. A high percentage of women work outside of the house and yet still try to maintain their role as the primary homemaker and caregiver. What is referred to as the superwoman complex is quickly becoming a common condition for most women. I don’t plan to explore all the “cause and effect” factors of losing touch with the nature of my inner woman, but I do believe it’s worth mentioning that a LOT of women are tired, frustrated, not finding fulfillment in or out of bed and finding it difficult to explain to the men in their lives what the wild woman inside aches for, searches for and how that translates to our sexuality. That’s a problem for men and women alike.
Increasing the odds of infidelity
When there’s a disconnect between our self and our partner, the risk for infidelity increases. Right or wrong, the odds tip and they don’t usually tip in the direction of monogamy or commitment. What’s more, for the many women who are sensual, passionate and have been sexually fulfilled at some point in their past, feeling disconnected from ourselves or our partners is a state we find difficult to accept or endure for long periods of time. And this has nothing to do with the frequency of our intimacy so much as the quality of our intimacy. This disconnect creates a sense of internal tension that wears us down and ironically it causes us to pull even further within ourselves and to close up when what we really crave is to reach further out and to connect. We harden a bit. Put up our shields a bit. Dull around the edges a bit.
It’s not unusual for a women to crave intimacy intensely and yet experience little fulfillment during the intimate encounters. This is because the matter of female intimacy is contingent on the mind/body/spirit connection. The body follows, rather than leads. Craving intimacy or sex does not equate to fulfillment. The act of the intimacy is no guarantee for satisfaction. Further complicating matters is often the inability to sort out and express why our body is not following our brains commands. To a man it is simple. He wants sex, he has sex, all is good. Maybe not great, but for the most part good enough. Certainly worth doing it again soon! For a woman, it can play out more like this… she wants sex, She has sex, but nothing is working, why isn’t her body or mind responding? Unlike the male conclusion the female’s can be quite different. Maybe it’s ok, but it’s certainly not “good enough”. Even if a physical release occurs.
A body with a will of it’s own
Eventually the body can take on it’s own form of protest and it says… look lady, you aren’t getting the message. You know the rules. If you insist on continuing this activity without engaging the mind or spirit, then I’m just going to shut down and refuse to respond. See how you like that!
Trust me when I say, as women, we do NOT like that. There is no more disturbing feeling in the world. Than to continue trying to be intimate, when your body and spirit is not responding. Men have been blessed by the inability to get an erection when they are troubled. Yes I said blessed. It may be disturbing to a man when this happens but at least you have a very clear ending. No hard on, no sex. A woman’s body does not look much different when she is troubled and unresponsive and that puts her in the position of having to reject her partner without having the visual proof that she just cannot proceed. Thus, because she started out craving the intimacy that has now eluded her she is too far into the program to bring down the curtain without her partner reacting with hurt feelings, frustration, anger, resentment or any other range of emotions. More often than not she will continue for his sake and while that is generous and a completely reasonable and loving thing to do from time to time when too exhausted or distracted to get into the encounter, it’s a deadly thing to do on a regular basis. Any woman who’s tried to make love without feeling the connection, passion or sensuality of it, understands that statement. It may sound harsh and men may not want to know this, but it can become a stomach turning event. The vulnerable act or gift of welcoming you into our body is so intimate and if our spirit and our mind are not engaged, it becomes an entirely different matter.
A Desire to Run For
This cycle when repeated frequently causes intense frustration and withdrawal within a woman. It leads to anger, confusion, and deep deep cravings for the kind of intimacy or passion she longs for but isn’t receiving. This craving can lead a women to seek out another source, (reference my post Dear Cheating Women). The blind desire to fulfill that craving can lead to affairs that are based entirely on the mind/fantasy and not remotely based on the person she chose to cheat with. It can become a woman’s desperation or an obsessive need to be the recipient of seduction and raw passion, the feelings of being longed for and desired, of being pursued and ravaged, adored, revered and soaked in by a man. When these desires combine with the belief or even the illusion that the man of her focus holds common interests or values that can connect them, the attraction or the fantasy of it all can become too overpowering to refuse.
On the other end of the spectrum, there are women like myself who have all of these longings but who choose to remain faithful to the partner they love. They want with every fiber of their being for their partner to “get it” to “understand” what it is they need, how they want to be related to, how they want to be touched. There are times I have struggled with the battle, asking myself which is worse, being a women who stoops to infidelity or being a woman who is filled with passion and longing but is not understood. Who is not connected to her partner in the sacred, passionate, wild and tender ways she longs to be? It’s wrong to blame our partners for this entirely. He can’t help what he can’t understand. It can be debated whether or not most men try hard enough to understand or are simply too blinded by their sense of entitlment to sex to every really learn what we need. Regardless of where our men fall on that spectrum of understanding, it can be very difficult not to feel discouraged.
For a man who craves sex frequently and often for different reasons than the women they have sex with, not understanding how much sensuality and sexuality exists within his woman, can cause him to buy into an illusion that the grass is greener somewhere else. Lead him to search for new thrills. But the thing most damaging is that he has no idea who the woman living with him really is or the intensity of the loving she wants to give him. Not every man strays for reasons related to their sex life at home but the danger still lurks. Unfulfilled women change. It’s unavoidable. Maybe there are some women out there who will reply and say BS, I’ve NEVER changed. I’m still the same woman I always was. Well, everyone is unique I know. But I believe that when a woman becomes disconnected from her own sensuality and passion, she changes. Her vibrancy diminishes. Her creativity shrinks. Her giving nature closes some. Her frustrations rise. She becomes increasingly shut down. She develops anger and resentment. A woman is made to love. To be sensual in the world. To experience and to invoke passion. Not ONLY sexually, but ultimately sexuality does become an important part of her womanhood. For some men, this is the ready excuse they need to begin the pursuit of affair. You’ve changed! Is the accusation they throw back and they are correct. The woman changed. It is sad that they do not understand the reason behind the change. For other men, the sense that they aren’t meeting their woman’s needs is the impetus they seek to justify their affairs. They need validation and will get it where ever necessary.
The point is, that affairs could possibly be avoided and more rewarding relationships can be achieved for both male and female, when we arrive at a greater understanding of the female mind/spirit/body connection. Based on that, I guess I’ve figured out the place to start.. a discussion of the mind/spirit/body needs of a woman.
The pre-requisites to sex…..