In yesterday’s post I concluded that it was time to begin the exploration of the mind/body/spirit connection that’s so vital to women. What is it that women need in their daily lives to realize their sensual/sexual capacity and to hear, feel and be in touch with the wild woman inside?
I keep making the disclaimer that I can’t speak for every woman and I’m sure it applies to this post even more so. This is pretty personal subject matter and I feel a bit vulnerable exposing my own needs here for the world (or at least all three readers. lol) to see. But since I haven’t conducted any scientific studies and I’m not a professional in this area, the only way for me to approach these subjects is through my own experience and those shared with me by other women. When I make statements such as women need, or women want, keep in mind that mostly I’m saying I need and I want and my only reference point to how universal these female needs might be is the feedback I’ve received from other women throughout my life. Thankfully women are natural sharers so I’ve never been short of feedback. Feel free to confirm or deny whether the information I post applies to you or women you know
Clarifying the term Wild Woman
I’d also like to define my term wild woman. A comment left a few days back implied it was the naughtier side of women vs the good girls inside of us. That is not my meaning. When I refer to the wild woman inside I’m referring to the basic core of women. The woman that is uncensored and not stereotyped by society or messages we get in the media. This is the raw bare woman who is such a vast combination of things ranging from tender compassion to complete unabashed passion. She is more in tune with nature and instinct than she is with worldly matters. She’s more aware of her strengths and her own beauty. She’s ancient, sacred, powerful, healing, well…you get the picture. The wild woman inside is our very essence and spirit and every woman has one waiting to be set free, seen and heard. She is the authentic woman.
How to tackle this beast of a topic
Next I had to decide how to break down the mind/body/spirit needs when they are so varied and so entangled. I’ve decided to approach the mind spirit needs first as I personally believe they precede the physical needs. As I said in yesterday’s post, the body follows, rather than leads. I myself have never known it to be any other way. Even at times when it felt my body was craving attention or touch, giving the impression that I had a purely physical desire, I’ve been aware that the mind was at work in the background. I didn’t feel that desire because my body created it but rather, because I experienced something emotionally or spiritually or a desire had been sparked in my mind by some thought, memory, scent, vision, etc. that kindled physical need/want inside of me. My thoughts or senses always leading and physical desire following. Never have I ever known my body to speak up for itself as a purely sexual need independent of any mental thought or emotional need.
What, no spontanaity?
This doesn’t mean that a woman can’t be sexual for no other reason than the pleasure of it. For instance, a chance encounter a one night stand or to relieve stress and tension. All imply a purely physical need. That’s an illusion. If a woman has no expectations or agenda and only wants the experience or release, she is still undergoing a mental thought process that leads her there. A process that creates (creates, not just communicates) the need and then prepares her body to respond and hopefully enjoy the experience. She arrives at the physical desire through that process of thoughts and mental stimulation. In most cases she enjoys the experience primarily BECAUSE OF those thoughts, feelings, or fantasies. In other words, if you give her the exact same partner, and exact same method of touch etc. yet remove the thoughts or emotions that primed her for the experience, it is more than likely that she will not enjoy the encounter nearly as much, if at all.
Confusing for Men
Men probably find this frustrating and confusing. It’s the reason what he did last week, doesn’t always work today. “Why not?” he wants to know. He thought you liked it. Thought you wanted him to do more of this or that. It worked then, now it’s not working? WTH?! What he probably wants to yell at times is… “Will you please just make up your mind”
This is because men don’t understand what influences or affects our responses. The mind body spirit connection. Because they respond physically much faster than they respond mentally or emotionally they are baffled by this significant difference in women.
So what are these influences?
I believe they are the following:
· What’s in our mind and our emotions at the moment – a future post will talk about the conditions we need present in our lives…
· Our senses. Smell, sight, sound, taste, physical comfort, timing, distractions, all play a part in the physiological response
· Whether or not desire has been sufficiently created, both at the moment of the encounter and throughout the preceding hours or day. This encompasses how bonded a woman feels and whether or not real attraction has been created. Does she feel drawn toward you? Does she feel motivation to give herself over to you? Can she imagine the pleasure of the attention she is about to receive and recall previous experiences as fulfilling or does she sense a selfishness or laziness in your approach that makes her feel you would benefit more than she will, leaving her to expect the routine and mundane? These all affect how she will or will not respond.
· How intense the anticipation or build up has been and whether desire can be sustained or is fleeting. Does she feel like she is pursued and desired or more like a functional piece of the encounter? Has her mind been stimulated by things like good communication, humor, shared activity or purpose, interesting subject matter, frequent eye contact, suggestive touch that implies something more is building? Is she finding it mentally or emotionally stimulating to be near you, or have a reason to move closer? Have you created a series of sparks that take hold and fanned the flame enough to let her create desire and anticipation inside of herself? Or are you trying to flip the instant light switch? Women love the dance. The suspense. The flirting and the accumulative building of desire. In fact many women I know, myself included, will tell you that they love the sensation of desire and anticipation as much as they enjoy the physical encounter. Some enjoy it more. It’s a delicious, invigorating, sensual state to be in. Women want that sensation to either be prolonged, savored, almost torturous in it’s nature or they need it to be immediate, blinding, heavy, intensely hot. Everything in between……seems barely lukewarm ….and is less than satisfying. Where a man is pulled toward immediate gratification a woman is pulled toward extended states of anticipation. It’s the reason you will rarely see a woman feel the need to grind on a mans leg over a simple kiss the same way a man will immediately grind on hers over the same simple kiss. The woman seeks to swim in, live in, the sensuality of the kiss while the man seeks to advance further.
· How well we feel physically or emotionally. This one speaks for itself.
· And finally, overall circumstances. This is basically the accumulation of everything together. It encompasses all things like the setting, timing, mood, the way intimacy was suggested, and all the rest of the pieces I have touched on above. You see.. just because something worked that time, doesn’t mean it is going to apply to the experience at hand. Each time can be different.
Is anything predictable?
Yes, some of our preferences will remain the same and constant. For example I hate having someone stick their tongue in my ear. That’s not going to change from this week to next or based on any of the above factors. The only way to know what preferences are solid and never changing is to listen to what a woman tells you or actually pay attention to her reaction/response. It’s well worth mentioning here that women find it incredibly touching and sexy when a man takes the time to learn her body(and mind) and know her responses. It is the ultimate sense of being cherished and of feeling that someone has taken you completely. Men, if you are repeatedly trying the same things over and over, not getting a positive response and you’re frustrated, I can reassure you with absolute certainty that you are NO MORE frustrated than she is!
While some preferences are constant, other preferences have variables. Example: I have a very sensitive body. Because of that, light touch often tickles and irritates me more than it pleases me. That is… until I am already saturated with desire. Then… I can find it very pleasurable. In the beginning I need touch that has purpose. Not hard or painful but a touch with passionate purpose. One that says he wants me, craves me, wants to worship me AND ultimately when restraint breaks open.. to devour me until I am consumed completely. I want kisses that communicate desire. Unfortunately, soft timid look how tender I can be kind of kisses just won’t get through to me at this stage. Soft kisses or licks up my stomach or down my legs sounds like it should be appealing and oh so romantic, and easily be a turn on but no matter how hard I try to enjoy that sort of thing the only response that comes out is the response to cringe, clench my fist, pull back or push away. And once that nerves on edge sensation is invoked… it’s like starting all over. The entire process scrapped. It takes a while for my skin to be touchable again unless someone understands my body and is immediately able to touch it the way I need it to be and before I completely fall out of desire. You see, the cliche is that women want romance and many men try to appease that by going through the motions. Trying to be romantic but a woman feels the difference between romantic passion and a man who is doing what he THINKS he is suppose to do. What I and many other women need is to feel the desire, strength and the tension of restraint in a man. That is where my turn on is. A man who can express how urgent and intense his passion is while he also shows incredible restraint in order to focus on me for however long it takes or however long I want to swim in the desire. Now THAT rings my bells. That drives me over the edge. If he can make me feel what he’s doing is out of desire and appreciation for me and not out of the need to get one off, and IF my mental and emotional thoughts are in line as well. Then I am able to let go. To release the natural me. Embrace my own wildness and authenticity.
Let’s look at the importance of how intimacy is approached. The communication of intentions. Again, another awkward confession. Sorry. Kissing my neck at the right times can send me over the moon and make me weak in the knees. It can also give me shivers in a not so good way. Some parts of the neck are more erotic than others. Knowing where to kiss makes a difference but even more than that, Intention is a key factor. Kissing the nape of my neck softly yet firmly and out of a pure honest appreciation for soaking me in and experiencing my scent, the feel of my skin, and the promise of pleasure later on that day…. mmm THAT IS A TURN ON. If he leans into me solidly and lets me melt into him it allows me to feel as though his strength and power are transferring to me. It wakes and charges my senses. It pulls me out of myself and toward a state of desire to connect to him. When he walks away I will continue to feel him for a bit, and I will be more alert to him throughout the day. If he passes me in the room my senses will tingle. I will be drawn to reach out and touch his hand in passing, to wink when I catch his eye, I will feel the need to find his arms and be kissed, and each encounter will build upon the last creating desire and anticipation.
Now approach it another way. Kiss my neck too softly, too wetly, and immediately grope on me or thrust against me. No good. That’s a turn off. A completely opposite effect. That’s adolescent impulse not seduction. Unlike the first scenario I won’t continue to feel him when he walks away. I won’t feel that he shared any of his strength or power or energy with me. There will be no spark for me to build on, only a vague sense of irritation or relief that we’re now moving on to something else.
The point here is that the intentions and energy we women perceive from you is a very key element in how a woman responds. Or doesn’t. A man may think he is being seductive or doing superb at foreplay as he dutifully checks off the list of things to cover before he can move ahead. But a woman is almost completely instinctual. She feels, hears and sees his intentions and she KNOWS when he is focused on his own pleasure and the end result more than he is on the experience he is creating with her. A woman is sensuality incarnate. You can’t trick her senses into believing something is sensual when it’s not.
I feel extremely self conscious sharing these details but I do it to illustrate the importance of the influences discussed above. Just because something can be pleasurable doesn’t mean it can’t be applied at the wrong time, under the wrong circumstances or in the wrong way. Once again the mind and spirit is in control of how the woman will respond. How else do you explain why something can be pleasurable one time and repulsive the next?
Lets look a little closer at spirit now. When a woman feels her man is in tune with, or even trying to be in tune with her, then she feels like she matters. She is valuable. She is seen and known. Her heart and spirit are safe in his hands. She feels that SHE is the EXPERIENCE he is seeking and not just a means to the end. The experience of her….more important than the sex, more important than the release. By the way, what’s the number one complaint among women I know? Not that their men have the wrong technique. Most of us are willing to weather through the highs and lows when a mans methods and approach don’t fully match our need. In fact we sometimes compensate in our mind, willing ourselves into the moment. No, the number one complaint is not technique, it’s that they feel RUSHED!
They don’t get to dwell in the feelings of desire and anticipation or to enjoy the steady build up of tantalizing tension. The loudest message this sends to a woman? That the sex (and primarily the release) is what her man is focused on. It speaks more of entitlement to sex on the man’s part than to the sacred dance of passion a woman wants to experience. Does this mean every encounter has to be lengthy, and there’s no space for a quickie or spontaneity? Absolutely not! In fact, I believe that a man would be wise to learn how to create desire every day in his interactions with his woman. If she regularly feels adored and cherished, desired and consumed …..he has increased his chances for spontaneity and frequency 10 fold! Maybe more……
When he’s clueless to her desires, or oblivious to her lack of response it can be emotionally painful as she feels more and more insignificant by the minute. Some women view it as rape. I consider rape as including the use of force against ones will but still…. I understand their thinking in one sense. Imagine if you will what a prostitute must feel as she becomes nothing more than a receptacle for male desire. Which by the way is for sex and not for her personally. The level of detachment she must create for herself is more severe than you’d find in a relationship assuming there is no physical or emotional abuse in the relationship. But I believe it is still the same process of disconnecting that a woman creates in her life when she doesn’t feel connectivity and bonding with her partner. Both in and out of the bedroom. Sadly it’s not only the man who loses out when he allows her to withdraw and shut down or to become angry and resentful. It ‘s when a woman shuts down or creates barriers, which she thinks will protect her from hurt or disappointment, that she really loses touch with the wild woman inside.
Alright just make your point…
The point is if you want a woman to be responsive you have to envoke all of her senses, stimulate her mind, give her something to build on and allow her to enjoy the anticipation and desire. She wants to be your goddess as well as your partner. You can flip that light switch all day long but unless she feels the wild woman current flow through her veins, the light will never glow brightly and she will find it difficult to share her body and her passion with you the way she truly wants to.