For some unexplainable reason I’m having a tough day. I wonder if it might be triggers of some sort though I haven’ t been able to identify them yet. Other than feeling as though summer in itself is one long trigger for me to ride out.
Last night I wasn’t feeling well. Generally just achy like there were weights on my body, with hot spells that made me feel like I couldn’t get enough air, my stomach was out of sorts in a tense kind of cramping, semi nauseous way. Likely just a bug, something I ate, or stress.. but I’ve noticed in the past few weeks I’ve been feeling these things frequently, along with a never-ending fatigue. I’m not worried that I have some rare (or even typical) disease and I’m already seeing a doctor about other matters that could be contributing, but I’m a bit concerned that it’s occurring so often and for no discernible reason. Is this the accumulation of stress catching up with me? Is this what depression feels like? Am I missing some inner message I should be paying attention to? I mean what the hell?
I’m just in this very weird place right now. Maybe physically my body is protesting. Objecting to my prolonged ride on this emotional roller coaster. Emotionally I find myself struggling on one day and perfectly calm and focused the next. I’m all over the board and I HATE that. I’m so damned use to being in control. Being the rock. I’ve always been the glass half full person. The girl who lived by the motto that we make our own happiness. Life is what we make it. No matter how many times life dishes out struggles I dig my way out and overcome!! All it takes is a plan, some determination and the right attitude. Right?
So WHY am I allowing this affair recovery any control over me?
When I feel rage bubbling up, I squash it. In control. When I feel tears welling up, I push them back. In control. When I wonder if we are really making any progress, I focus on all the things we HAVE accomplished. When I feel sad, I look for joy and thankfulness in the life I have.
So, if I’m in so damned much control, then how is this thing still overtaking my life? HOW is that happening? And WHY?! I don’t want to be this person. This crazy irrational emotional person. It’s just not me. But some days I’m afraid that it’s becoming me. I just can’t let that happen. Yet each time I reach a place where I can breathe normally for a while, here come the irrational thoughts creeping in on me again.
Irrational how? I literally have movies play in my head. Things I will do. Places I will run away to where I will start over. Women I will confront head on. Cutting my hair off and dying it a color that doesn’t resemble me in any way. Thoughts of quitting job. Revenge sex. With multiple men. But most of all, about no longer holding in my anger. One day I fantasized for at least 30 minutes about going on a rampage. I sat calmly in my house and envisioned throwing furniture through the windows room by room, knocking in walls and setting fire to the yard. A couple of weekends ago we went on a day trip and had to pass by a town involved in his affairs where he once had an apartment. Even though he no longer lives in that town I spent 10 or 15 miles repeatedly fantasizing about throwing his dining room table through the plate glass window. I have no idea where the image came from. It simply appeared. And once it did, I replayed it over and over again. Sometimes I threw the remainder of the room out behind the table, sometimes the neighbors came out to see what all the commotion was about. Sometimes he was home when it happened screaming at me to stop or begging me to calm down and other times I was there alone. Some times that flying table hit the woman he had visiting him there and knocked her into the metal and concrete staircase outside his apartment. I have no idea how many times or how many ways that dining room table smashed through that window. All I know is it was the repeated focus on that image that kept me from weeping in the car and at that moment my main objective was to NOT allow him any control over hurting me (even if it was in the past) I refused to allow him to see me weep openly. Now maybe that’s normal to have those escape and coping fantasies and maybe it’s not. People deal with trauma in all sorts of ways, but it’s NOT normal for me.
I also realize it’s not healthy to need to maintain so much control and very possibly it’s time to let go of it. I hold in my anger and push down my emotions too often and have done so for too many years. I know that I’ve spent a lifetime trying to make everyone’s life neat and tidy and happy for them, all as a way to assure that they won’t abandon me. I know that I’ve internalized every betrayal ever committed toward me. I know all the text book reasons for what I’m experiencing. What I don’t understand is that understanding it as I do, WHY AM I LETTING IT HAPPEN?
Why, of all times in my life, am I failing so miserably now at staying in control? Healthy or not healthy, that is what I do. I maintain control and order. I keep moving forward, come hell or high water. So, right now I don’t really care if it’s the healthy thing to do, or whether or not I should be dealing with my emotions instead. Right now, I just want that control back. For a while. Until I can catch my breath long enough, and plant my feet solidly enough, to open Pandora’s trunk and start sifting through it all.
It strikes me as odd that I’m here blogging for the specific reason that I’m an unknown to anyone who reads my posts. A way to give myself permission to face my own emotions and evaluate them . Yet even as I write this I’m having this internal dialog with myself, arguing that it’s absolutely un-permissible to reveal this much weakness. That it’s beyond shameful to be discussing my partners affairs in public, which is the same as a public admission that I wasn’t enough to make him happy. Not to mention that I should really be getting on with things, either sucking it up or kicking him to the curb because all of this “working through the pain” business is just getting old and making me a pathetic loser.
It’s stranger still that I would not entertain any of these thoughts when reading another person’s blog. I would have no need or desire to judge them so harshly or at all for that matter. I’d tell them they were normal. These things just take time. I’d tell them they are allowed to feel anger and sadness and weakness and hope all at one time. It doesn’t make them crazy. Yet, here I set berating myself for the emotions I feel and judging myself as weak for failing to maintain my veneer of constant stability and strength.
That is certifiably crazy!!!!