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  I’d like to keep with my current theme of self-love.  Oh, wait.    Let me clarify that a little bit more.  I’m not referring to that kind of self-love, though admittedly it might make for a more invigorating post!  Note to self,  explore more invigorating posts!

  As I focus on the whole self discovery, balance & healing thing, a little digging is required to evaluate my internal self-image.   I need to take a good clear eyed look at how I see myself, where I am and where/who I want to be.  We all have to do this from time to time and now is my time.  Maybe I’ve been avoiding this a wee bit longer than I realized.

  Now, if you’re deliciously voyeuristic by nature and interested in the inner workings of women and how we might feel about ourselves, our sensuality, and other such awful squishy details, you’re welcome to read along.  If you’re going through a similar challenge and doing your own work, I invite you to join me as well and I’d be most appreciative of any feedback you have from your own experience.    Just keep in mind this posting might not be pretty, could be boring as all get out,  and (looks both ways as she lowers voice to whisper)  just may reveal me as one flippen crazy fruitcake! Shhhhhhh

    If that kind of thing doesn’t interest you I have to say it probably wouldn’t interest me either.  So, if I were you I’d be making time to the next blog.  Save yourself!!  But before you go,  let me say thanks for stopping by J and please come back again soon.

 So, OK then….. here I go….

…….yep,  starting right now……


crap!!  Who’s silly idea was this anyway?

  Seriously, where do you start when you’re trying to figure out what your true inner image of yourself is?    I’ve always thought I had a pretty solid self image.   I mean everyone has things they wish they could change, right?   Everyone has had a time or two in life when they were afraid or insecure or doubted themselves.     Over all I’ve been marching through life to a tune of reasonable confidence in my own ability and appeal.   That is, until recently, primarily the last 3 years or so.   But as I’ve written more about myself and my situation, as I look back over my past and my repeated relationship traps, I find myself questioning whether that’s ever really been the case.   Whether I’ve really been that confident or whether I have some serious self worth issues or illusions.   I can honestly say that I just don’t know.  

   I’ve been setting here tapping my fingers on the desk,  staring out in space,  trying to catch hold of some thread to get me started.   Should I list strengths and weaknesses or do I talk about what I like or don’t like about me?   Do I evaluate the things I think make me special or at least likeable or lovable?   Should I dissect all my self doubts?   Should I review the major mistakes of my life and try to figure out why I made them?    I’m sure there’s some kind of self test or proven method for this kind of self evaluation process on the internet somewhere.    Maybe I need to find that.   

I’ve been taking a lot of  questionnaire tests lately.    For example my mate and I recently took personality tests to reveal if we were lions, otters, golden retrievers or beavers in our relationships.    He is a lion otter, mostly otter.    I am a golden retriever beaver.    Nearly equal in each.    The otter in him makes him poor at honoring commitments,  short on long term responsibility,  a risk taker.   It also makes him spontaneous, the life of the party, a visionary, creative and an optimist which doesn’t fit him at times but does hold true for others.   The golden retriever in me makes me extremely loyal and loving,  a care taker and friend and protector.   It also makes me hesitant to stand up for my own needs in a relationship,  an over pleaser, a bit of a doormat for people to take advantage of.   The beaver in me makes me detail oriented, a planner, a perfectionist, unquestionably reliable.   It also can make me seem rigid, push me to try to over achieve, make me critical of others who don’t relate to that kind of adherence to efficiency or need for doing it right.  Likewise it can cause me to be too hard on myself as well.  

So, I’m loyal and I’m an achiever.  That’s not a hell of a lot of information to work with.    I think it fits me but is it new information to me?  Nope!    Does it help me to define how I see myself?   I guess it adds more pieces to the puzzle.   Some of my other traits can be found in the other areas I scored in.  They’re lower than my primary two personality models but close enough that they contribute to my total combined personality.   Those traits included enough of the otter to be creative and fun loving but also to procrastinate and enough of the lion that I function very well in my executive role even though it may not be the chosen passion in my life.  It’s still a role I’m very comfortable in and have done well in.   The other lion trait I have is the tendency to take things over and run with them!  A need for control.      My mates scores did not really reflect his perfection trait and I can only surmise that it’s because it only applies to his craft.    As a craftsman he strives for perfection and let me tell you,  his talents truly do shine!     For some reason the need for perfection, attention to details, etc. remain tied to his work only.   Otherwise he remains very unstructured and a little bit chaotic.  Opposite the beaver but reflected correctly in his high Otter score.

All these things tell me something about me and something about the dynamic of my relationship but they aren’t helping me get to the matter of how I really see myself.   I can see now that I need to figure out how I take a clear look at how I FEEL about me and who I am.     Maybe that’s at least a little progress,  the finding out that I don’t know exactly how to dig into this.  Or,  just don’t want to?