I am terrified to be naked in front of him……

……..When after a day at work I find out he will arrive home before me I am nearly overcome by a sense by despair.  Why?  Because I have the irrational need to comb my hair and touch up my makeup, even if it’s just lip gloss, before he arrives and I face him.   In my mind I’m being inspected at all times and I won’t measure up.    I don’t look much different after I comb my hair or touch up the dark circles under my eyes.   It’s irrational and compulsive, like the OCD need to wash your hands for no reason.

………I don’t like going out in public with him.   Even though going out and doing more things is exactly what we both want.   When I’m with him in public I’m hyper alert.   Afraid of the next moment a beautiful woman will walk by and he will desire her and pretend he didn’t see her…..it causes me anxiety and makes me feel like a lead weight is on my chest though I try to behave normally and act cheerfully…..

Friday while cleaning my desktop icons at work I hit on a folder called photos.  When I opened it I discovered our vacation to Charleston.   I immediately closed it.   I can talk about that trip without any triggers.   I cannot view the photos.   At that time I was well into my work of uncovering evidence of his affairs.    During the trip he wanted sex often.   I kept asking myself why?  why does he even want me when he wants all the others?    I decided it was because I was his safety net,  his fall back plan, I also decided he loves to travel and was experiencing a trip mostly on my dime so sex and gratitude were intermingled.   I spent the other half of the time telling myself that I was imagining everything and all the proof I was accumulating and that he was falling in love with me all over again and all would be well.   Less than a week later he was in bed again with someone else.   If I lived in a world where there were no consequences and I could act out anyway I wanted….my computer monitor would have been smashed through the front window of my office that day.   Wouldn’t that have entertained my employees greatly?

……..there are a million times I want to talk to him about this.    I never do.   It’s become forbidden.  I don’t know how or why.  It’s just an unspoken rule.

This past weekend was a struggle for me.  I want him to reach me.   I have fears that I have become unreachable and unlovable.   Hardened on the inside.   Unable to let anyone in again.

I want to make love.     I fear making love.   Sometimes I struggle making love because he doesn’t know how to inspire me,  or reach me and he hasn’t the courage to try and figure it out.  He asks me what is wrong……….   I don’t answer.   I can’t say a single word.    Not one word will escape my lips.   I feel hopeless standing behind my wall.

These are some of my typical days.   Other days I am perfectly sane, rational and have it all together.   The bad days come less and less often but they still come.  Sometimes I can feel them approaching other times they burst out unannounced.

If you are cheating on your wife and think you won’t get caught.   She knows….or she will figure it out.   One day, one way.   Women sense these things.   You are fooling yourself to think otherwise.   And on this topic if you don’t love your wife then get the hell out of her life and let her start over.  She deserves better than you!

If you cheated on your wife and you realize you really do love her,  you’re remorseful and you want to make it work…   Don’t underestimate the pain inflicted or the confusion and conflict she feels daily.   Don’t let yourself pretend that it’s been months,  a year…and everything is fine.  She is fine.      STAY CONNECTED to her.  Do NOT let her close down.  Do not let her hide.  DO NOT force her to protect you and sacrifice herself so that you can feel better and safer.   Do not let her build walls and slide in behind them.  She might never come back out and one day she may go away completely.    Reach her, hold her come hell or high water, through what ever fury comes or what ever sadness pours out.  Learn her.  Everything about her, not just what you see but let her show you who she is, what she was before you, what she became with you, and what she wants to be now.   Own your actions, own the struggle you have created inside of her,  be her rock,  it’s possibly the one and only thing you will ever do to let her heal and give yourselves a chance at a better tomorrow and a long lasting future.