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Say hello Crazy.   Hello Crazy!

More irrational thoughts from the sane but scarred…

Welcome to the 21st century. 

That’s what my partner was told about his new smart phone and his recent iPad use.    I should be happy that he’s embracing new technology.  Instead I have a head full of imaginings.

I imagine his new iPad gives him freedom he’s craved this past year. Unlike using the home computer he can search anything he likes without my knowledge.  He usually takes it with him whenever he leaves the house.  Both work days and weekends.  Sometimes he leaves it laying around.   I could look.    I’m afraid to.   For one thing I am afraid of what I might find.  For another,  if I were to tell him I looked or ask him to look..given the choice between two possible responses 1) It’s ok baby, after everything I’ve put you through I completely understand why you want to look and you can look anytime or 2) responding with guilt or anger or both, manipulating me with statements like “after all I’ve been doing you still don’t trust me?! Fine, look if you must.  This is crazy.  You need to start trusting me.”    It is fairly certain option 2 will be the result.

There is also the very likely probability that he regularly cleans his history.  In fact, I have no doubt about that!

I imagine other things as well;  new secret email accounts, porn, and the very slippery slope toward behaviors he hasn’t been able to stop in the past.   He has poor impulse control.   Act now, think later.  He also has a very low tolerance for deprivation.   Anything he feels deprives him.   Whether it’s giving up sugar, or caffeine or smoking, or living transparently, or foregoing the urge to partake in some innocent “looking”  If he feels deprived it drives him crazy.

There is no celebration on my part about his new state of “wireless connection” .  Only fear.

I should see a therapist,  alone

Friday we had a conversation and the topic of counseling came up and my need to talk to someone.   He said to me that I need to see someone to help me deal with everything and I should see them alone to start out with because there are so many other things going on in my life besides our problems.  A special needs child,  a demanding high pressure job, a young adult military child recently diagnosed with PTSD, an aging mother with her own emotional baggage, and some recent health problems including the potential for cancer.   Yes there is definitely a lot in my life.  Silly me to want a partner who is my partner,  my rock, and not just an observer in this chaotic life of mine.   But he thinks I probably need to talk to someone alone so I can talk about things that I wouldn’t want him there for.    Wouldn’t want him there for?  My reply was I didn’t want to be in a relationship where I had anything to hide from him.    He still felt it best.  That I would open up more.   Perhaps he is right.   I’ve thought about it for days now.  Here are my irrational thoughts… if I resolve all this without him,  why do I even need him?   If I become my strong independent self again, if I heal all these wounds, and he is not part of that healing, why would I stay here?

I think he believes he is right and it’s best for me.   I also think it’s the easy way for him.  The thing he looks for most, the easy path.   If someone else fixes me, he doesn’t have to participate or face my emotions.   That would take strength,  patience, fortitude, courage, compassion.   It would also inconvenience.   Being there for someone is not easy.  If I do this alone he doesn’t have to own any of it or carry any of it.  He only has to say I support you.  He can pretend he’s making big changes in his life and I am the one holding on to the past.  Here’s something he is overlooking…no rational decent therapist is going to suggest that I stay in this relationship.   Not without him there demonstrating his willingness to repair the damage he’s brought into our lives or the many many issues he has that are preventing us from having a healthy relationship.    despite the fun we can have, the dreams we dream, the affection we feel,  the bond we have developed, or the attraction we might still be clinging to,  we are F’ing DYSFUNCTIONAL hiding behind a pretense of normal.   He should rethink his position.

Taking care of me

This past weekend my partner left the house to go to his workshop to drop some materials off.  I figured he would be gone at least 30 minutes.   I rushed through tasks I had unfinished and then started my MELT routine.   If you’re not familiar with MELT look it up on line.   Great Physical therapy, body treatment to relieve stuck stress and improve your health.    Anyway, I had just started when he arrived back at the house.

Get ready…here comes more irrational thinking….

I stopped my routine.  I was internally frustrated.  Not angry with him.  He had no way to know I was going to do it and he would have stayed away for a bit if I had asked him to.   Now, it seems kind of logical that I could have just finished the routine right?  I agree.  But logic doesn’t always run in my veins right now.   What runs in my veins is some kind of crazy juice.  Some insanity chemical.    And here is why I could not finish my routine.     He is the one that I  LET destroy my self worth and confidence.   I’ll be damned if I will now allow him to walk in on me in the middle of an excercise routine and inspect me, or compare me to the girl in the video,  OR ALLOW him to think I am going to better myself for his personal satisfaction, OR ALLOW him to say to me that I look good for these efforts because that is the same as saying I look BETTER than I did before and before wasn’t ENOUGH for him.   And as backwards,  nuts, irrational as that is,  I REFUSE TO GIVE HIM that additional weapon to use on me.  The very thought of him making any assessments about me at all, makes me furious.   F”ing FURIOUS!

How dare he define me.   And yet,  I am currently warped enough to let his past thoughts actions and comments do just that.   Control me.   Drive me out of my skin and let some fruitcake move in where I use to live.   WTH?   This is not me.  Yes, sadly it is.   Today it is.  Not forever.   But today it is.

I know the obvious.   I know the comment I would leave on someone elses blog.   This is not about him.  This is about taking care of you.  This is about your well being, your sanity, your happiness, your confidence.   Do what you need to do for you.  See a councilor to deal with your grief and anger,  get as healthy as you used to be, mentally and physically, surround yourself with people who inspire you, support you, invigorate you, and who you can depend on.   DO IT FOR YOU.

And so you see, I am a clear example of how emotion can rule you even when you know it’s nothing more than emotion. Nothing more powerful than irrational thoughts.   A prime example of the ways scars can close over and harden and block your rational self until you finally succeed in cutting your way, hacking your way, kicking your way, screaming your way through them……