Ted poked his head into Amber’s office door. He gave a low soft whistle. You look fantastic! Would it be selfish of me to hope you are wearing that dress just for me? Amber looked up beneath her lashes and smiled. Yes, but only slightly. Ted raised one eyebrow provocatively and Amber giggled as he disappeared back into the hallway.
Yes she was married. He was married. But when was the last time Dave had noticed anything she was wearing? When was the last time he treated her like a woman? And was it her fault that Ted’s wife Sarah was controlling and bitter and completely unappreciative of Ted’s success?
Dear Cheating Woman,
You are living an illusion. It is a convoluted web of emotional needs and self justifications. You might believe you have good reason for what you are doing. You might even believe you’re in love. Maybe you just hunger for attention. Or perhaps you are one who simply thrills on the conquest. Whatever your reasons for cheating on your husband or cheating with another woman’s husband may be, they are distorted and very likely unsustainable. The odds that you will end up living happily ever after with the man you are cheating with are miniscule. Practically nonexistent. Most cheating men do not leave their spouses and of those who do, most of them will cheat again. And again! It only gets easier over time.
It is unlikely that you are in a place where you are ready to listen to logic. But let’s explore the illusions anyway. If not for your own good, then simply to point out to the rest of the world what a truly foolish choice you are making.
Your husband no longer romances you. You feel unappreciated. He no longer makes you feel vibrant and alive. You miss flirting. You miss the seduction and anticipation of sex which has been replaced by your husband’s assumption and expectations of sex three times a week. You long for closeness, for spontaneity and passion. You long to be ravished but instead just feel used. Like a tool. You long to be swept off your feet. For butterflies in your stomach. For the slow burn of desire. Your husbands’ idea of romance is Nascar and pizza and 6 minutes of sex on the floor.
I get it. I totally get it. Most women do. Most of us yearn! Most of us miss out on the fantasy. Many women wish our husbands were something different than they are when it comes to sex and romance.
That’s brutal. I know. But it’s true. Many of our guys have great qualities, such as being wonderful fathers and providers or handy around the house or having a wicked sense of humor that keeps us laughing. But the truth is that few of them know how to sustain romance or understand the sexual needs and frustrations of a woman. Even fewer are those patient enough to want to learn. Men are just wired differently and women are wired for emotion, romance, seduction. We are also raised to believe through fairy tales, romance novels and movies that a perfect combination of white knight and sexy rebel exists out there. We are sometimes achingly desperate to find him. To experience him at least once in our lives. We can also be harsh when we compare our real mates to this fantasy figure.
Here is a little insight. Your cheating man is neither white night nor sexy rebel. He’s a clod. A simple coward. A self absorbed nit. A person who hasn’t the courage to either improve his relationship with his wife or make a decision to divorce her. Instead he takes the easy way out. He cheats. He avoids reality. He shirks doing any of the hard work to make a relationship work because deep down he doesn’t think it should take any work. He, like many others, simply feels entitled. He looks for his thrills and validation on the side. He feels justified in doing so. He also feels justified in pulling you into the muck of it with him. I wonder how often he has asked himself whether you might get hurt, whether it might affect your life, your reputation, your job, your family? I’d be surprised if he has thought about it much at all. Thinking logically and having affairs do not exactly go hand in hand. He might even think he actually loves you. At least briefly. I assure you if pressed to choose between you and his current life; the odds that he loves you will drop significantly. Because that too is an illusion. One he needs to create for both his benefit and yours. It’s all part of the justification process and makes cheating seem just a little less slimy if you try to believe love might be involved.
Oh, but he is so good in bed! Making love is no longer a chore. No longer boring. No longer something to avoid. You want it all the time these days. You can’t wait to be in his arms, to feel his deep sensual kisses, to feel the heat of his lips on your skin, the hot needy way he pulls at your body and groans. The way he presses you up against the shower wall. All the things your husband can no longer seem to conjure up.
Yes, well.. sorry sweetheart, that is all an illusion too. There was a time you felt the same way about your husband or partner. When the relationship was new. When the thrill of having someone pursue you was fresh. When life had not yet intervened. Before you became burdened with responsibilities and learning how to co-exist. Back when he didn’t drive you insane with laundry on the floor, open toilets, or the unbelievable ability to cover the entire table in salt at dinner time. Before his interesting, animated conversations gave way to droning on about work quotas, or who annoyed him most that day or his aches and pains. Back before all of that, you thought he was worth being with. You thought his kisses were ok. You didn’t seem to mind that they were a little too wet and sloppy or a little too suffocating. You didn’t seem to notice anything wrong with his love making technique. And guess what? That was because you were caught up in the infatuation of the new relationship. It’s no different now. The man you are cheating with seems like a spectacular Romeo today. The lover of all lovers. I assure you his wife probably tells a different story. I can promise you that one day he too will rush foreplay, he will cum too soon, his kissing technique will not be nearly as stellar. Pushing you up against the wall in the shower will no longer feel as wildly passionate when you realize that he behaves the same way whether you are in the mood or not. That it never had anything to do with you being irresistible and everything to do with his self focused lust and his need for immediate gratification.
Am I saying that sex never stays good? That there is no man out there that will fulfill your needs the way you need them met? No. What I’m saying is that all of the things you find annoying about your husband or your boyfriend are very, VERY likely to exist in one form or another in your new casa nova as well. They are just facts of life. Differences between men and women, things that happen as we get absorbed in life and take each other for granted, etc. etc.. What I’m saying is that this amazing experience you think you are having now, is really just an illusion. It is fueled by and created by your imagination, your needs and the fantasies in your head. Perception is distorted. And it is not sustainable. It is not based on reality. Argue all you want. One day you will shake your head and wonder to yourself….what the hell? In the best of cases, Romeo will tarnish over time. But much more likely.. Romeo will become about as appealing as the plague when you begin to learn more about him.
If he were truly that spectacular do you think he would be cheating on his wife? Does he tell you how his wife just doesn’t want to make love anymore? Doesn’t understand him or appreciate him? How she’s cold and distant and he’s lonely. If he is really that attentive and caring and amazing in bed, do you think his wife would still be passing up opportunities to make love? Hell no she wouldn’t! He’s not as intuitive or attentive at home as he says he is and you will soon find, when your brain clears and the fantasy fog lifts that he’s probably not all that great in your bed/life either. A really good lover, good husband, shouldn’t need to validate himself or fill his thrills on the side. Instead he would put all of his energy on building up what he has, seducing the woman he married each and every day from sun up to sun down, treating her kindly, showing her love, flirting with her, protecting her, sharing her burdens, learning her mind, her heart and her body. Supporting her and showing as much attention as he expects her to provide for him! A smart man understands that all of these things are most likely to get him the devotion and the sex that he wants. If he is missing those things, he is not doing the work. And if by some chance he is doing the work, doing 110% of the work, and his wife is still not responding then a truly decent man will have the integrity to get a civil divorce. To be above board and to remove all complications, before he starts seeking the attentions and affections of another woman.
In short. WAKE UP SISTER! You are sooooo fooling yourself and it is going to bite you. One day, one way, it’s going to blow up. Angry wives, disrespect from your coworkers, embarrassment for your family, women trying to run you over with their SUV’s, children that get hurt, homes that are wrecked and lost in the fallout, STD’s, and a long list of emotional afflictions that will become your scars and your baggage for ever more.
If you are married or in a relationship stop pretending that all is fair in the name of love. Learn what real love is. It’s dedication and staying power. It’s integrity. Go to your partner and find a way to fix things. Go get counseling. Stop comparing him to a fantasy desire that cannot survive and try to see him for what he is and for what’s worth loving in him. Tell him what you need and want. Give him a fair chance. In the end, if he won’t try or he doesn’t care; if you simply cannot relight the flame and you have gone through every available effort to do so; THEN make your decision to move on. At least you know you tried. At least you have had honorable intentions. File for divorce, make it clean and then wait until an eligible bachelor comes along. Just because your relationship did not work does NOT give you the right to interfere in any way in another relationship. If you are part of the break up equation, then plain and simply put..you are a part of a problem that will follow you forever. Stay away from the married man.
If you seek validation. Find it somewhere else. God knows that in a world of photo shopped images and surgery enhanced bodies, women feel ever more insecure about themselves. We want to feel sexy. We want to be desirable. Getting it outside of your marriage or from someone else’s husband is an illusion. If the only reason men slept with women was because they find them irresistibly gorgeous and sexy then it’s a sad truth that many women would not be having sex. Only a small percentage of those perfect glam girls would be getting the action. A man is going to have sex because he can. It’s that simple. He may be obsessed with his fantasy of the perfect woman but he will sleep with damn near anything if the opportunity is there. The fact that he is cheating on his wife with you or that he is taking you up on your offer of sex?….Sorry, there is nothing in that for you to take as validation. Nothing that confirms your desirability or makes you valuable. It’s. Sex. And if by chance you are stunningly beautiful, well then…it only ups the odds that he’s going to stumble all over himself for the chance to say “yeh, I tagged that”. But it still doesn’t make you valuable. It’s sex. IT’s SEX. Are you hearing the truth in all of this yet? IT IS SEX. And it doesn’t, or rather you probably don’t, mean any more than those 3 simple words in his mind. If you want real validation of your own self worth, make a difference in someone’s life. Go do something good in the world. Be a decent person. There is more to self worth than feeling attractive and desirable. If you get a thrill over the game of getting a man to choose you over another woman; self worth is probably not a concept you can understand. Get a therapist. You need help.
I sound a little harsh. I realize this. I mean, as a woman, surely I can understand what it feels like to be desired after being ignored by someone, or what it feels like to be swept off my feet after boredom has nearly crippled me, or what it feels like to be intoxicated by desire and to spend time with someone who stimulates my senses and my imagination. Maybe this other man brings out the best in you. Maybe you have longed to escape for so long that he seems like the answer to your prayers. I’m sorry I’ve been so harsh. The truth is, I do understand these things. I do feel them now and then. I have experienced them. But in the end it all comes down to one thing. One truth. When we fail to do the right thing the only thing that can come of it, is wrong. It is an illusion to believe anything else.
Like it or not we have to do the work, we have to make the effort and we have to be strong enough to leave a bad relationship in a compassionate way with integrity and honesty. There is no easy way, there is no quick fix, there is no white knight come riding in to save us. Wake up and do the right thing.
For your partner.
For your children.
For your family.
For the sake of honor.
DO THE RIGHT THING.
For cheating men…go here